Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
