Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
