i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
