also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
