it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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