Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
