Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
