I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
