That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
