There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
