I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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