Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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