I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I wear drunk well.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Dear god my vagina.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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