My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
