can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
