If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
