Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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