dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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