I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
