just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a search helicopter?!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
