My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
