she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
