when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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