If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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