This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
