Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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