I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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