i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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