Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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