through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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