At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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