dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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