If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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