If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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