whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize