I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i think my cat just said my name.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
