You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
