I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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