Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
