take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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