I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
