My sheets look like a crime scene.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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