just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
