last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
