i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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