i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
