if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
