she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
