I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no, he came in my armpit
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
