I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
