Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
