I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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