I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
