why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
