i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
