Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
