I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
