She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
