Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
