Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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