Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
