dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
